


Alternian Food Preparation Battle for Culinary Dominance

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bodily Fluids, Food, Hate Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 16:53:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2355671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bonus Round 6 fill for the HSWC. </p><p>"Eridan ♠ Sollux<br/>Adult Entertainment meets Food Network cooking show/Kitchen Impossible-type gameshow."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternian Food Preparation Battle for Culinary Dominance

"Eridan Ampora?" Sollux Captor took off his shirt and began working on his pants, revealing the simultaneous scrawniness and pudge that goes along with being a mostly sedentary nerd who doesn't take care of himself. He grabbed his apron and put it on. "Eridan Ampora couldn't cook hith way out of hith own athhole. No idea how that thtupid fishfucker even made it to finalth."

"Sollux? Oh. Sollux is a fine cook." Eridan tied his apron over his nude form and sneered. "For land-dwwelling lowwblood garbage. After he loses, maybe he can get a job as a line cook. He can probably grill a frozen grub patty well enough."

\---

"Okay, fucksticks! You shitlords have both made it to the final round on Alternian Food Preparation Battle for Culinary Dominance in Which a Dozen Trolls are Whittled Down Through Food Preparation Challenges Until One Remains to be Declared Champion by a Panel of Authoritative Judges Who Berate You: After Hours Which Implies Sexual Content and Nudity. Congratulations on not being irredeemable fuck-ups. I see you both already have your aprons on. But for the special, well, we have a surprise." Karkat grabs a small cloth covering and whips it aside, revealing more aprons. Crotchless aprons. "Special final round aprons that show the crowd exactly what the sick fucks want to see. Now, you two get changed. And wait for me to leave so I don't need to rip out my horns, whittle them down, and shove them Into my eyes in hopes of erasing the image that is the horror show of your horrible naked bodies."

\---

"Okay, boys! You know the rules! We reveel the seacret fingredients, and you have an hour to prepare your dishes! Our esteemed panel of judges will judge you on taste and presandtation. Today's fingredient is... your rival's genetic material!"

In the distance, a horrified shout of "WHAT!" sounded out.

"Aaaaaand... go!"

\---

Sollux grunted as he whipped a bowl of milk into a frothy frenzy. His tubers were panfrying, covered in a blend of herbs and a thick orange sauce that gave off a zesty but nostril burning aroma.

"Hey, Sol. Gimme your genetic material." Eridan was mashing some berries and putting the resulting pulpy mess into some manner of mechanism that plopped out dollops of steaming yet frozen berry pulp clusters. Eridan Ampora specialized in snobbish gastronomy.

"Hell no, ED."

"Wwell, fuck you. I'm not handing mine over either." In the distance, a 'THANK THE FAKE-ASS CLOWNGODS!'

"You want mine, you have to earn it." Sollux took a step back and grabbed his twin bulges, waggling them in his rival's direction. His hand was then stained mustard yellow. He wiped it on his apron and began to julienne a plump olive grub, quickly dehorning it and putting the legs to the side. Then suddenly, he felt a prodding at his nook. "Whoa! Hello! Ekthcuthe you?"

"You said to get the fluid, asshole. I'm gettin' it." Eridan kicked a mixing bowl in front of Sollux and wrapped his hand around as much of both bulges as he could, them both twining around his fingers.

"Just go thlow. If I chop off a finger, it'th going right up your chute."

"Bloww me." Eridan rolled his hips, his bulge slipping into Sollux's nook, slick walls clenching around it as the honeyblood's breath hitched. "And hurry up. I have wwasabi caramelizin' and need to check on my puff pastries."

"You can't rush greatneth, ED." Sollux bit back a moan, strands of genetic material dribbling in and around the bowl. He worked on peeling a banana and mashing it with the frothy milk.

Eridan's hips bounced almost painfully on Sollux's bony physique, pulling out before he hit his own peak and stroking his rival faster.

With a groan and a wobble of his knees, Sollux contributed to the bowl. Eridan grabbed it and was gone, drizzling the yellow over a tray of puff pastries and adding the berry dollops on top. Then out came the lusus steaks. Little winged bulls didn’t have much meat. But they were tender. And suddenly a month was engulfing his bulge, Sollux instantly bobbing on him. Eridan put a hand on his forehead and pushed him back.

"You told me to blow you, lother." Eridan didn’t last much longer.

\---

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck no." Karkat shoved both plates away from himself. "I quit. Tear up my contract. Then choke on it. Then fucking die. I hate you. I hate you all."

The human judge prodded hers with a red fork, staring. "So... alien... jizz? Nnnno. No. I'm going to pass."

"Umm, no. I am good too." Troll Guy Fieri, celebrity guest, was not interested, and he had eaten a seven layer deep fried grub nacho burger the day before.

Feferi Peixes looked at both dishes, gave a small shrug, and dug right in. "Sollux! The taste on the grub slices is very rich and decadent. The milk is too frothy, but the genetic material adds a richness, especially with the banana. Eridan! Your presentation is beautiful. But the flavor. It is... awful. So salty. The pastries are ruined. The genetic material could clearly... still... benefit from some fresh fruit in the diet, because it just tastes very processed. There's really no contest here. We have a new champion!"


End file.
